primer: I DO NOT STAND BY THE CURRENT ABUSE AND HARASSMENT OF ZOE QUINN OR FRIENDS. STOP DOING THAT. IT IS NOT IN ANYONE’S BEST INTEREST.
addendum: Thanks for stopping!
Yes, this thing is huge. There was a lot of stuff so it needed a lot of words.
You can read the TL;DR if you’re in a rush, though I recommend going through the whole thing if you want an approximation of a full picture. I offered proof where I could, because she’s really good at taking advantage of a lack of it, and censored things that would likely lead to undue harm: here’s a link to the TL;DR post.
If you take my recommendation to opt against the TL;DR — yes, this is written almost entirely in shitty metaphors and bitter snark. It’s a post about an ex, and the tone reflects its intention as the starting post for forum threads entitled Cringe-Worthy Break Up Stories on Penny Arcade and Something Awful, because I figured it would be best to announce on friendly communities in innocuous ways. Penny Arcade and Something Awful deleted those threads, so now this blog stands alone. I will not take it down, because I know the information is important, even if what I have omitted means you never might.
And no, I never posted this to 4chan.
EDIT:
There was a typo up for a while that made it seem like Zoe and I were on break between March and June. This has apparently led some people to infer that her infidelity with Nathan Grayson began in early March. I want to clarify that I have no reason to believe or evidence to imply she was sleeping with him prior to late March or early April (though I believe they’d been friends for a while before that). This typo has since been corrected to make it clear we were on break between May and June. To be clear, if there was any conflict of interest between Zoe and Nathan regarding coverage of Depression Quest prior to April, I have no evidence to imply that it was sexual in nature.
Also, to make it clear that the logs aren’t doctored:
Anyway, for lack of a better phrase; enjoy I guess.
thezoepost 
I hope you make sure the guys wife knows all about it. It’s the right thing to do.
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My thoughts exactly.
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i am glad you posted this in a decent manner while holding off damaging information that was not related to the issue at hand. It was the right choice. It must have been really hard for you during this horrible period.
It should serve as a warning for the poor soul who will be tormented next. You probably saved someone a good amount of months/years of pain.
I am sorry for what happened to you. I just want to tell you that there are more important things in life. Like your github account. Please update it more often. It’s just bad to look at.
I hope you are ok now,
Random internet person
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I was recently cheated on too. The person he cheated with had a husband. I hope the guy’s wife is told of all this. No one deserves to stay with a cheater and a liar. Please let her know.
I really wanted to tell you know that I know how you are feeling but I applaud your efforts to expose all this. I would have never been able to do something like this myself because I’m cowardly. At the end of the day, it takes a really shitty, evil person to cheat on their SO. Cheaters don’t understand the emotional pain they cause, how it manifests into physical stress and often your body just shuts down from exhaustion. How traumatic certain instances of infidelity can be. I find it really funny how this person managed to develop a game called “depression quest” – I think instead she should have focused on a game called “Narcissism Quest” or “Impulse Control Issues.” Sigh.
Time heals all though. This too shall pass.
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Thank you for posting this. Abusers deserve to be called out. I was in an abusive relationship a few years ago and wrote a post detailing what he did to me. I’ve been posting on twitter to hopefully stop the spread of misinformation that your abuser has been propagating and that others have been blindly spreading, including outlining common abuse tactics and repeatedly linking this site.
I wish I could have outed my abuser, but I deleted all of the logs and evidence because it was just too fucking painful to read through them.
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It was like watching a train wreck. It was horrible, and I felt like a worse person for each act I read, but I couldn’t stop reading.
To think I actually admired her.
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As someone who was in a physical and emotionally abusive relationship, I really wish I had your courage to air this stuff out. I had only told the people close to my ex and I, who held him in high regard, of what happened, when I should have taken it to the world. I admit, as a teenager, I was more scared of what others would think of me, and what he would do to me, if the information really got out, and I didn’t like how it transformed me as a person.
Lots of people are saying that you put this out there to “air out her private information.” I don’t believe this at all, and I believe the world truly should see the kind of person she is.
Good luck to you, hopefully your transition back to normal life will not be that bad.
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I agree with you. My thing is, the anger people have at hearing all the dirty details bothers me because there is a difference between things that are truly told in confidence, and things which you find out that were never supposed to be a secret. Not EVERYTHING that happens in a relationship is “in confidence.” My ex cheated on me, lied to me, abused and manipulated me emotionally, exposed me to one (if not more) STDs when she insisted she was clean, used me to have a place to stay, and convinced me she loved me to get back at her ex. These things were NOT told to me in confidence, and yet the amount of flack I got for saying them out loud, you would think that I cheated and lied, not her. People don’t like being uncomfortable. I’m sad that this shit happened, but this exposition was handled with a lot more care and consideration than was strictly necessary for it to be a “vengeful spite driven rant.”
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People don’t understand why an abuse victim would be vocal or public about their experiences, especially male victims. We’re supposed to all be too ashamed or scared of the consequences (most rightfully so – murder stats etc.) to do anything more than share our experiences in safe spaces. The belief is anyone who is being vocal, even publicly so must be doing it for attention or revenge only.
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This has been a very interesting and, in some ways, instructive read. I see a lot of myself, or at least the person I once was, in Zoe: the manipulative behavior, the massive insecurity, the verbal gymnastics, the gaslighting and clingy possessiveness. Reading through the chat log in which she’s guilt-tripping you into cutting off all contact with S made me cringe — I’ve done and said those things, to people who did nothing to deserve my suspicion. There’s a part of me that feels a sort of warped, disgusted tenderness for her — I’ve BEEN her, after all, and it’s no picnic. I and anyone else from similar circumstances will tell you that observing unhealthy relationships as a child and then entering into a few of your own as an adult can and will fuck with your head like nothing else. You’re constantly in damage control mode, hypervigilant, just waiting for the text or email or phone call, the subtle flirtation or the bobby pin by the sink that causes everything to fall to shit. It’s like attempting to ride a bike while balancing a stack of plates on your head and changing a diaper — ludicrous, unmanageable, and frustrating to the point of tears. So I feel for her, in an abstract way. I’m not saying that I think what she did was OK or even understandable — it certainly never has been in my case — but I would be remiss if I touted myself as somehow superior to her.
All that said, I feel for you, and people who’ve been in your position, even more. I’m deeply sorry that something like this happened to you. I’ve never cheated on anyone, and I never will (partly because I’m lazy as fuck, but mostly because I know what it feels like to be cheated on and I wouldn’t wish that anguish on my worst enemy), but I have been plenty abusive in other more subtle ways. It’s not alright to be that aware of how your history and your mental illness have impacted your behaviors and relationships and yet still use them as excuses for treating others, especially those you love, like dirt, rather than taking the necessary steps to heal yourself and your interactions with others. It’s a terrible, shameful misuse of the intellect and the conscience. As previously stated, I speak from experience.
At first I balked at the existence of this blog. I’m an intensely private person and don’t generally call people out on their massive bullshittery in this way; I have a scorched-earth policy when it comes to former relationships: burn the crops, leave no trace. However, I read all the way through and I’m glad I did, and glad you shared your experiences with the wider world. I agree with those commenters who’ve said that abusive behavior needs to be brought to light. So many people, myself included, have stayed silent for fear of humiliation, social repercussions, and crossing some bullshit good manners boundary. Unfortunately those blocks only allow abusers to continue to operate the way they’ve been operating all along, in the shadows, which is or at least should be absolutely untenable to anyone with half a skull and an ounce or two of integrity.
I hope that you’re able to heal from this (you will), that you make it a point to drop all future chaos junkies like hot rocks (again, you will), and that at some point you find a woman who is a blessing to you, and to whom you are a blessing. I wish you luck moving forward.
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So sad that you went to such malicious, public lengths to settle your grudge. Congrats on earning a lifetime of misery and loneliness by scaring everybody away from even entertaining a relationship with you, lest they become the next piece in your creepy jigsaw puzzle blog.
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Yes, I had accounted for that drawback before deciding to go through with it.
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I’m sure you must have. I’m sure you also knew — based on your own ex-girlfriend’s past ordeals, to say nothing of the endless instances of unconscionable bullying and awful behavior that take place every day online — how brutally and potentially dangerously the Internet would (over)react to this. And you went through with it anyway, because apparently it’s worth it to start a firestorm of harm you no longer can even control to feel better about getting your heart broken. Nothing excuses anything she did to you, it’s terrible, but it’s a byproduct of pathological behavior that spilled out of control. What you did — the harm you’ve caused and the harm yet to come that’s no longer under your control but absolutely is your fault — is just malicious and hateful. That, to anyone observing this objectively, is so much worse than anything done to you.
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I think you wholly fail to understand the depth of emotional pain that cheating, lying, and manipulating someone you claim to “love” and “care for” actually does to a person. The irony of your statement is that reputation repairs itself over time, so not only is Zoe’s reputation NOT stained forever (thought it likely won’t be anything good for a long time), this guy’s reputation is not stained forever either. YOU didn’t have to read this blog, and yet there you sit, in abject judgement, throwing around the word “objective” as if you weren’t yourself biased. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have read the thing nor would you have commented. And if you didn’t read this thing and simply commented, I dare say that is worse. You are forming, and stating, an opinion with no grasp of the context contained in the blog you are currently posting on. Not sure where you bought your high-horse, but you might want to see about a refund.
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jackpoint, I came into the post completely unbiased, read it through, then stated my thoughts on it. So yes, I was and remain objective. Believe me, I fully understand how much it sucks to be lied to and cheated on. And everything detailed above is awful, just like I said above. Still doesn’t warrant putting it on display when he knew full well how venomous the response would be.
Sad that standards are so low nowadays that criticizing this childish response is akin to riding a high horse. Oh well, stay classy.
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You victim blaming [jerk].
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Jesus christ. If you’re going to throw around overused terms, take five seconds to understand what they actually mean. I’m not blaming for the things for which he was victimized. I’m not blaming him for being cheated on. I’m condemning the response. Being victimized by one thing doesn’t shield you from criticism for what happens next. Not hard to understand.
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He was a victim when he was cheated on. He turned into a bully when he decided to retaliate against his ex by inciting an internet lynch mob.
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Actually, I did everything I could (short of not speaking up) to avoid the lynch mob situation. So I wouldn’t say I “incited” them.
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I would argue that the act of posting this stuff publicly IS what incited it. I know you don’t condone and aren’t directly responsible for the intense harassment she’s receiving, but I guess I’m just not sure what you expected to happen as a result of this. When you publicly shame/criticize/lash out at someone, the intention is usually to get others involved. And unfortunately with the internet being the way it is, especially in regards to women and sex, “getting others involved” generally leads to “having others insult/attack/harass said woman.”
Maybe it’s just that (as a woman) I’ve seen this trend before, so I expect it, and you hadn’t, so you genuinely weren’t aware it could go down like this, but I am curious as to what exactly you expected the outcome to be.
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Hey can you post caps of chats where Zoe talks about ethics things like how cheating is unconsensual sex. Some don’t believe it. They probably believe nothing her critics say even withproof, but whatever. FFS tho you stuck withher too long.
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It’s in citation 3 of the green logs. Click the [[1-8]] link.
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Seriously dude, get over it. If you went through this much trouble after a freaking break up she was right to cheat on you. Pathetic. Airing out your shit to people like me who couldn’t care less. Best of luck on future dating, “oh hey aren’t you that loser who blogged about his ex?” What a joke. Grow up, and grow a set.
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Were this fiction, I’d say it was a brilliant comedy which reminds me of Nabokov – in that it features an obsessive, unreliable narrator trying to pass of an irrational and petty rant as something deep.
As fiction, the hilarious contrast between the alleged injury – a brief relationship with someone who cheated after promising they wouldn’t – and the dramatic presentation.
In fiction, the bitter dude comments would be a satire of male entitlement, gamer immaturity, and the ugly thoughts anyone of any gender has after a breakup.
Alas, those targeted by this epic over-sharing attack are real. Which means fewer readers can recognize the absurdity of so many vengeful words over a half year romance which ended badly.
Yes, cheating sucks and breakups hurt. It feels like the worst thing in the world, but it’s not. It was six months of dating then off/on drama before the final breakup, not a marriage or even a lengthy commitment. This is whining about heartbreak by an obscure person who was more flawed than they seemed, not an expose of injustice, abuse or crimes by some authority figure.
Most people go through a bitter phase, justified or not. It’s okay to spend hours whining to friends or composing angry letters in your head or diary until you finally move on.
Public retaliation is different. Taylor Swift’s tendency to write songs about breakups is a punchline even though she uses generic lyrics which don’t name names or offer any real life details. Dumping every detail and listing every grievance as revenge only shows this was a doomed relationship and maybe your expectations weren’t entirely valid.
Think about it this way. You work with technology. Anyone who might consider a personal or professional relationship can find this rant in which you essentially tell the world your ex is a slut and a whore without even having the guts to use those words. Is that really what you want to present to everyone?
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So wait, your problem is that his next relationship might find this and think: “Damn, if I cheat on him and he finds out he will go public”, correct? And you think this is a bad idea?
Or do you think that someone will be offended by this and not pursue a relationship? Which aspect will she be offended by? The number of guys? The manipulation? The sheer amount of lies? Wow, what a loss.
If you are waiting for bottom feeders like that, good for you. I think anyone deserves better and if a blog about someone terrible will make them think twice, good. We got that out of the way.
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Sorry, but how’s it “male entitlement” to expect your partner to be faithful? I’m not really sure what this has to do with gender, even. Also don’t see how this is an “alleged injury”, since the facts are apparently out and admitted to.
To the writer of this blog: all the best. I know how it is to be involved with someone who’s crazy and manipulative.
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As a fellow mathematical dude who has experienced the pain of an infatuated relationship ending with a lot of lies (though not to the degree of yourself, and my fault significantly). Well done.
I just read everything while listening to the Gorguts album Obscura very loudly. Like the friend you said burst out laughing harder and harder I feel fucking elated by the end of this story. You write fantastically.
Advice you’ve probably heard over and over is: NEEEEEEEVER GO BACK, the architecture in your brain is as if you were just cramming one subject for 7 months without doing anything else. Thinking about her is merely fucking habit (despite what the oxytocin makes it feel like, the pain of lost love dies exponentially with a rate depending on how much you time you allow yourself to think about it). Take a break from it. Sorry if this is explaining something you already know, but goddamn man.
Some people are saying you should get over it, and you should, but it’s not an excuse. Is it a virus’s fault it evolved to kill? Is it a pathological liars fault they were raised to be one? No, but we still need to expose the truth. Don’t back down. You’re in the right. Plus, it’s out there and saved countless times. Again sorry if I’m preaching to the choir here, but just to voice the opposite of the SJWs.
THANK YOU for all of this. I hope the entertainment you have provided others is some consolation. Take a single piece of a jigsaw, do this from 1000 different jigsaws, the pieces you end up with are what you have. Don’t torture yourself trying to figure it out. Toxic people are to be cut out of your life. Also, at some point define a cut-off point for yourself in terms of talking about it online. You’ll never be fully satisfied with “final words” because the shitstorm you’ve unleashed will be endlessly full of people with false accusations. You don’t want to indefinitely wallow in the tumblr posts you’ll be prodded into making. Again sorry if preaching.
In summary:
Girls that help you with differential geometry >>>>>>>>>>>> narcissistic superficial manipulative SJWs.
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What you had to go through sucks. I went through the same ordeal myself over more than three years with a pathological liar and manipulator who begged me to see him again after he messed up things badly, in order to convince me made me false promises saying he would do better, and after that lied to me again, lied to everyone we knew about me and ignored me for weeks when it suited him.
As I mention above the lying and cheating is just pathological with this kind of people.They act like addicts, saying they will not do it again, but they really cannot help it. Like addicts, they will not be really committed to being a better person until they decide to get help from a psychologist. They need to be taught all over again to see the suffering they cause to their loved ones as more important than their small selfish desires or than the benefit of being left in peace for a short while when they lie about something. And they cannot achieve that on their own. So of course they will say anything to get their loved ones back… but that will just be more lies.
As some people say, it was pretty bold of you to publish everything with your full name on it. My opinion is divided on this – like you, I considered making my story into a website for revenge and so that others do not get fooled. But I am wondering what the implications are, legally and in terms of good / bad notoriety.
However I would guess that writing this website must have helped you, which is something that too few people consider. After all you do have to think about getting better first, and if you needed to write publicly to start getting over it, then I don’t see why not.
Some people were also saying you may be discouraging anyone to ever date you, but obviously there would not be any major issues unless the potential dates intend to lie, cheat, and lie about cheating… so hopefully you are discouraging the kind of people you do not want to be with anyway.
Others were criticizing the fact that your ex will get a terrible reputation as a result. It is something that I wondered a lot about as well in my own situation – whether it was fair to give an ex a bad reputation. I think it is fair when the person keeps lying, making false promises and preventing you to move on while giving you nothing real. Nobody forced her to lie, she could have just broken up with you and then done whatever she wanted. That is where I draw the line. Another good rule is for one not to do anything that they would be ashamed of if everyone knew about it. She should have stuck to that.
And especially: do not take her back! You’d end up manipulated and lied to just like before. And you would do more efforts and compromises to accept to see her again, which means you would have an even harder time letting go than before.
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That was a disturbing read. I’d seen the shitstorm this generated on 4chan (which is mostly a release of pent-up frustration about the smugness of social justice video game journalism, I think), but didn’t until now read your post. I also played Zoe’s game about depression, which gives an interesting perspective too, I think.
I sympathize with your stated goal of protecting future victims. I think that was reason enough for you to write this, and you don’t owe her any favours. My definition of rape isn’t the same as yours, but anyone sympathizing with Zoe ought to consider her actions in light of their agreed-upon idea of consent.
It’s unfair that people expect you to shoulder the blame for the way this ‘story’ blew up online. Nothing in this post suggests to me that you were trying to get such a reaction, nor could anyone really have expected it.
One of the key elements of Depression Quest is that your illness makes it impossible for you to click on the appropriate choices if your depression level falls too low: sometimes you have no choice but to fuck up, or to lie, or to give up. I don’t know what motivates Zoe, but I’d bet it’s mostly self-pity. I’m sorry you had to go through all that, and I hope nobody falls for her bullshitting again. I sort of hope she gets the proper therapy, too.
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I never claimed rape. In fact, I never claimed anything. I am just holding Zoe to her own standards.
Also, I don’t think rape should necessarily be conflated with non-consensual sex. The former implies either force or threat of force.
The rest of your post is sweet, and thank you.
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I’d never really considered that there might be a difference between sex without consent and rape, so I misunderstood you, I guess. Sorry if I made it sound like you’d said something you hadn’t — support can be somewhat antagonistic when it twists the message. Anyway, I still think it’s somewhat serious that she would disregard her own sense of consensuality. But maybe there’s no point in my stressing that — you would know better than I how much emphasis it deserves.
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You probably already realize this, but it seems pretty clear that the “cheating removes consent therefore rape” line was just manipulative bullshit that she came up with to reduce the chance of your cheating, and does not actually reflect the standards to which she holds any person.
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Yes. I certainly realized that.
The point is that she is using important terms she publicly claims to care about, for her own personal benefit.
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I just read the whole thing, the full acts and stuff. The “motherfucker” was a perfect ending for such a fucked-up story, so kudos for that, you’re great at writing.
It’s sad that this happened to you, and it amazes me how much this made the internet blow up.
Well, can’t add much encouragement. I just can say that it’s very brave you went to admit this ordeal and make it public. It’s terrible to be a victim of treason and then not be allowed to confess.
In your position, I wouldn’t mind Zoe’s reputation. Sure she may have lots of trouble to get a job or whatever (although given how the yellow press and general internet shit-flinging has unfolded, maybe it will work for the better for her), but you have the full right to talk about your problems, and find a way to deal with it. Sincerely I consider everything else irrelevant. You’re the victim here, not her (although being a pathological liar, she really needs some serious help).
So yeah, I don’t know if I made any sense, but whatever. Be cool, and relax. Only time will tell what happens next.
Oh, and don’t take her back. That’s the best advice people has been giving you.
Sincerely
Yourhead
PS: To be sincere I’m having a great time looking at the shitstorm happening all over the internet because of this. Sorry if I’m having this fun at the cost of your mental wellness, but it’s just like watching a trainwreck: I know it’s bad but I just can’t stop looking at it. I’m a sucker for internet drama. So, again, sorry. I really hope you get through this.
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Been there, done that, got the Tshirt…..twice! I totally get why you wrote this so to spare you a long, rambling and incoherent comment I’ll just say this, it sucks, it hurts like a MF but it does get better and life goes on. Having stumbled upon this blog by sheer coincidence and not knowing you at all, I’ll spare you my feigned attempt at sympathy or outrage as most commenters above me have done.
I am commenting to say that this is some of the best writing I have seen in a very long time, fiction or not! I gather from the story that your expertise lies in computer software or programming, I could be way off, but you have a talent for writing I rarely see much and I know a lot of writers. This blog post could easily be published as a short story and even expanded into a larger work, as I suspect this saga isn’t over yet given the backlash of angry commenters and Zoe herself apparently (I confess, I have no clue who she is or why she’s famous but apparently people care what she says). Through your writing I can tell you’re an exceptionally intelligent guy who clearly knows how to use sarcasm to brilliant effect and your wit is razor sharp! You’re going to have absolutely no problem finding another woman and one who actually deserves your love this time. So to all the unnecessarily angry and hostile commenters that say otherwise, not to mention they don’t seem to understand what irony is, fuck what they think and say! After all, this is your blog and your story and you obviously have tact, talent and integrity, so I say good for you. I wish you all the best
“The problem with liars isn’t that they lie to everyone it’s that they don’t know they are lying, since the one person they lie to the most is themselves.”
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You are an articulate writer. Thank you for sharing your unfortunate adventure; I hope that those involved will be accountable for their actions, including their employers. You provide more than sufficient proof to backup your words. The journalists somehow think they’re above the facts. This is truly disappointing.
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You’re fucking weird man.
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Fair.
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You realize, don’t you, that as a Social Justice Warrior type yourself, you would almost certainly be joining right in with the rest of the gaming industry chorus in smearing you to protect your ex-girlfriend, if you were in anyone’s shoes but your own, and hadn’t seen her sociopathy up close and personal.
And you really think she acts this way because she’s been hurt by big bad non-SJW men? The one thing you know about her for sure is that she’s a remorseless liar. Ponder for a moment what kinds of things Zoe will say about you to her next victim. Do you doubt for a minute that it will be about the same as what she told you about her supposedly evil ex-husband and father and all the other people that supposedly all targeted her for mistreatment of all people in the world?
This was only able to happen to you because you lied to yourself as much as Zoe lied to you, and you’re still lying to yourself. She isn’t persecuted for being a woman in the game industry, she never was, and neither are any of the other “victim” hucksters. On the contrary, her recognition in the game industry outstrips her so-called “talent” by orders of magnitude. The same goes for the other no-talents in the game industry who got ahead by pretending to be “oppressed by the patriarchy,” or by allying themselves with those who claim it. The SJW movement isn’t achieving social justice. It’s nothing more than a breeding ground for growing and promoting sociopaths.
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If I may offer a different perspective…
I’m sorry you were cheated on. That really sucks. It sounds like she was not a good girlfriend, and as someone who has been cheated on and lied to in the past, I understand how deeply that kind of betrayal stings. That said, seeing now, how much abuse she’s received as a result of airing this publicly, do you really feel that publicly shaming her over a private issue was truly the best course of action? I felt for you when I read how she treated you. But I also felt for her when I read how she is now terrified to go home because people have publicly posted her home address. I’ve had THAT happen to me as well and it is a really truly frightening violation of privacy, especially for a woman. You go from feeling like your home is your sanctuary, your safe-place, to wondering if someone might stalk you, break in, even harm you.
I just really don’t understand why this needed to be public. This was an issue between you and her, and you’d probably be well-within your right informing the wife of the man she cheated with. But beyond that and maybe venting to your closest friends/family about what happened, this isn’t anyone else’s business. I assume you didn’t expect her to be so severely harassed when you posted this, but really…it’s the internet, and it’s 4 chan…what DID you expect?
She hurt you, yes. But trust me, you WILL get over it. You’ll meet someone new, someone better for you, and this will all be in the past. She doesn’t have the good fortune of moving on anymore. In your bitterness and rage you have branded her name, publicly, with shame, quite possibly for a very long time. She may have to move, she may have to deal with hundreds of frightening threats.
You can’t undo what’s been done at this point, but I sincerely hope you or anyone else reading this thinks long and hard next time you’re in a situation like this about the consequences of your own actions, and how they might affect someone else’s life. Even if that someone else hurt you, do they really truly deserve this?
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Sadly, this site got linked to in a vitriolic op-ed on Ars Technica now. Can only hope in few months “truth” “comes out”. Right now some fringe abuse cases get shoved to discredit anyone on your side of the issue.
Wish you luck in your future endeavors,
-sh
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Curious as to why my comment was not approved. I thought I was quite fair.
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Sorry about that. It was huge and there were a ton of comments to read through. Added.
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Ah no problem. My apologies. I had seen some others go through so I mistakenly assumed it was deleted for some reason.
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I would feel pretty scummy if I took personal private moments from my relationship and then posted them on the internet because I got dumped. You will forever now be this person. Every job you ever try to get, every new person you meet, you will be this scumbag dude who did this.
Bad decision making. If you were 13 I could see it being just ignorant childish behavior. You’re an adult.
When the remainder of your life turns out to suck, just remember that it’s your fault. You did it to yourself. Because you’re a shitty person.
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Did you actually read this?
I’m the one who dumped her.
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I’m not sure why the fact that you dumped her rather than the other way around is related to the post you replied to? I found it a bit uncharacteristic a comment, from what I’ve read in this journal. It sounds like the kind of thing the person the commenter was trying to paint would say, rather than the level-headed guy whose story I read.
The thing is, you won’t be the “scumbag dude” for everyone. Some, like the commenter, will think that. Others will think that between staying silent and letting everyone think that your ex is some sort of angel or at least giving them reason to keep their guard up, you chose the latter. She’s a public personality with the opportunities to hurt more people than the average person (you state yourself that people have messaged you to tell you of their own problems with her). I personally saw a fair bit of compassion in your post (hint: I actually read through it, I wanted to know who this “scumbag guy” was, before I formed an opinion, partial as it might be, since I only know you from your writing). You point out time and time again that if she came clean with you, you could have worked things out; you seem to understand that she needs help; you went to her hotel room to look out for her when – in my opinion – she was just guilt-tripping you.
Thing is, the more I go on with life, the more I start thinking that “the right thing” isn’t the one that has absolutely no negative result at all. You have to weigh the possibilities and decide. This way, you might have put off a possible alternate you from suffering the same way. If none of the things you wrote are lies, you can’t blame yourself for what sociopaths decide to do one they read this. My hunch is that, much like it’s not video games’ fault if someone decides to go on a rampage and kill people, these people didn’t need you to resort to such actions. Thinking that is naive at best and a malicious attempt to shut you up and paint you as the culprit at worst.
If anything, a fairly big group of people seems to have decided that you’re a scumbag and she’s a victim, so it’s not like you elicited the same reaction from everyone. As for me, I’ll never meet her and never have reason to do business with her. I met my share of people like her and never knew how to deal with them. I’m starting to think that it’s because I mistakenly thought there is indeed ‘a way’. Other than, you know, run like the wind and not forget my headphones behind. 😛
I actually don’t find it hard to believe that she really believes the things she told you. Had she not, she wouldn’t worry so much about people finding out that she doesn’t practice what she preaches and she wouldn’t have got defensive and angry with you.
Unfortunately, some people seem to not do bad things only if they know they won’t get away with it. I don’t know what is different in their brains. I don’t understand what sort of benefit sleeping around one gets that outweighs the pain one inflicts on their partner, or if that kind of person can even think straight when doing hurtful things. I feel like a fly hitting the window over and over again, trying to understand it, which is probably why I ended up here, but I still don’t understand. Sometimes it almost feels like these people are in the typical blackmail scenario, getting deeper and deeper into doing bad things because they didn’t admit the previous, less bad thing – with the difference that the blackmailer is in their own head.
I do hope that you’re more serene now, but I also hope she stops getting threatened (though some people seem to doubt that happened, and I don’t know either way) and can learn from the whole experience. I think she’d be a much more useful role model if she stopped being the beacon of virtue – or whichever one it actually was – and she became just someone who screws up, owns up to it and becomes better for it. It’s really scary to do, but it’s actually so much better than living fearing that people will learn the truth, I think.
Sorry it’s such a long comment! It all kind of resonated with me. I guess random people on the Internet like me just feel like they can harass you via comment. Good luck, I’m sure everything will be fine.
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Good comment. To answer your question though, the response was in reference to the first sentence of the comment I was responding to. And the relevance was simply that a lot of people go through this without reading the whole thing.
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Sorry, I completely misread what they wrote regarding that, and then got puzzled by your answer. So much for reading comprehension, duh!
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“I DO NOT STAND BY THE CURRENT ABUSE AND HARASSMENT OF ZOE QUINN OR FRIENDS. STOP DOING THAT. IT IS NOT IN ANYONE’S BEST INTEREST. ”
Given that a lot of the harassment has misogynistic elements to it, does that give you pause to consider your actions? To recontextualize it, if I wrote something on a blog, and a bunch of white supremacists started supporting it and using it as a platform to verbally attack and threaten a black person, I would be like, “WTF did I just do?”
You say you’re into social justice, but by social justice did you mean “publicly humiliating women who hurt me and exposing them to misogynistic attacks?” That’s definitely a type of social justice, but I don’t think it’s the typical meaning. It’s probably more accurate to say you like social revenge, not social justice. Even more accurate to say you like public revenge against women who wrong you.
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It has little to do with hurting me. It has to do with how much she hurts others and misrepresents herself to others.
If you called out a public figure on his hypocrisy, manipulation and abuse, and that public figure was black, there’s a substantial risk a bunch of racists might seize the opportunity to harass him for being black. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t call out his hypocrisy, manipulation, or abuse. He doesn’t get a free pass to do that, just because he might get harassed by racists if he gets caught.
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True, but I wouldn’t consider her much of a public figure. She was only well known within her industry and her sexual activities have nothing to do with video games. But even if you considered her a public figure you should be careful about HOW you call them out, the language you use, and the message you send. From reading your blog she doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong other than cheating on you. That’s clearly what you focused on. If she is such a lying manipulative person, then surely you could have found lots of other examples of this to focus on that didn’t involve her sex life and were more pertinent to the industry. But without the sex stuff you really didn’t have much of a story, and probably nobody would have cared. Don’t get me wrong–she sounds like a terrible girlfriend. But in the end, the only people who will get upset about who their female game designers screw (other than her bf) are gonna be antifeminist a-holes. I mean, you made it clear that she wasn’t trading sex for favors, so why should it matter to the gaming community who she has sex with?
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Just wanted to leave a current comment (Dec. 2016) to say thank you for leaving this blog up and available. I just read through it all and was taken back to just how similar the actions of my ex were to how this Zoe-chick treated you. It’s unfortunate that there are so many of these type of people in the world. Personally I cannot understand how they can justify their actions, or even sleep at night for that matter. But I’ll refrain from going on a long-winded rant about how “they” suck and how I understand what you went through bro. (But I DO understand.) I’m glad I found this blog and I think it helped me, even if just a little, work out the few remaining kinks of the mental anguish I’m recovering from.
Hope things are going better for you. And best of luck in the future. Please leave this blog up because I think it can still do a great deal of good for many people.
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